Enough

Enough. 

determiner & pronoun

1. 1.

   as much or as many as required.

   "too much work and not enough people to do it"

   synonyms:

   sufficient, plenty, a sufficient amount, an adequate amount, as much as necessary

adverb

1. 1.

   to the required degree or extent (used after an adjective, adverb, or verb); adequately.

   "before he was old enough to shave"

I have always struggled with being ENOUGH.  Am I enough ---
Smart enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. Fast enough. 
AM I GOOD ENOUGH.  

My persona is such that I seek perfection.
A perfectionist is defined as a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. Some might also add that they are delusional, generally nuts, and stress out everyone else around them, including themselves.

I am also one that does not do anything "half-assed" (I always use my whole ass). I am an ALL or NOTHING person. This has been both a blessing and a curse. 

The combination of striving to be "good enough" and wanting perfection was a driving force in academia, in my career and in training & racing. It also brought insecurity and a need to excel; an intrinsic desire to succeed in whatever I did. Some days I would set my bar too high and walk away from whatever feeling defeated and not good enough. 

I remember PR'ing a 5k by several minutes (from a 23:xx to a 21:12) and being so upset with myself because I did not meet my goal time by 13 seconds. All I had wanted on that day was to go sub-21. I gave it my all...and I was so disappointed in myself. After filling in Training Peaks with all kinds of horrible words about my performance, my coach sent me a scathing note, telling me I should be thanking my body for performing minutes faster than it ever had before. Instead, I was chastising myself for not being "fast enough". A PR was not good enough for me, it had to be sub-21.

People who have crossed paths in my life brought hurt and disappointment, and the message I heard was "Jen, you're not enough for .... "whatever it was in the situation. the truth. their loyalty. positive change. love. or to stay. 

Why did this person do this? or say that? I believed that since my ex-husband couldn't change for the better, it was because I was not worth it or I was not loved.  It has been a process of learning that most of the time, THEIR behavior had nothing to do with me, but their own internal bullshit. It is hard when people let you down to think it isn't some flaw with YOURSELF.

For years that quest to be enough was my own barrier to being healthy. I would try this fad diet or that fad diet and FAIL. Failure in THAT would make me feel like a failure in life, so I would quit, then soothe my feelings by trying to eat and drink my inadequacy away. I would try another fad diet, fail again and eventually I would stop. I did not succeed so, I must suck. I completely gave up on myself. I no longer cared. 

I vividly recall the day I quit on ME. I packed up all my beautiful size 4 and 6 designer clothes. I had grown to a size 22 and there was no way I would ever put on those Versace jeans or that Donna Karan suit. I took thousands of dollars worth of clothing to the local thrift shop and gave it away. 

A smile can hide a world of hurt. Me at 260+ lbs

In my mind, I would never be determined enough to lose the weight and be healthy. But if I was gonna be fat, I was gonna do it well. I would eat all that I wanted. I would drink as often as I could. And I would grow to hate myself even more. 

It took a long time to get to a place where a glimmer of hope started to shine my desire to be a better me was based on something bigger than myself. It was the hope of being a Mom that finally motivated me to change.

Getting better is an ongoing processing. I have been working on this kind of mindset and changing the internal dialog that happens. It is learning to change 40+ years of thinking one way to another. It takes practice and it is difficult most days. 

It is learning that I AM ENOUGH. 
I am smart enough. 
I am good enough. and I deserve love and wonderful things in life. 

I now set my own standards a little differently. My value and worth is not determined by a scale. or a clock. a label. or another person. I have learned that 

⇒There is no single goal achievement that will magically make me feel like I am enough. 

↠There is no such thing as perfection.

⇒As long as I know my self worth, no one else can make me feel like not enough. 

and YOU?

YOU ARE ENOUGH TOO

FULL CIRCLE

When I started my own journey back in 2008, I was quite alone. I had just had my daughter and went from working full time in a very full and busy medical office to being home with just me and Lola. And trying to figure out being a mom and getting healthy. 

I then discovered this great little online Mom's group and found an entire community of Mom's getting healthy - JUST LIKE ME - and I found "my people". I loved that little group so much (Work it out Sexy Mamma) and it was really get to connect with others all over the country to exchange ideas, challenges, and just talk. They were so integral in getting me to a really good place.

Life got busy and my focus changed - from weight loss, to running to triathlon and I lost touch with that group but still connected with a handful via Facebook. 

Here we are, 8 years later. Lola is now 8. I left a toxi marriage. I moved. I discovered so many things about me. The last year of my life has been so chaotic and stressful and fantastic, all at the same time. 

I am starting over in so many ways - a new life, a new love, a new perspective. I am starting from base on training. I have a long way to go to get back to where I was as an athlete. So much has changed but so much has come full circle. 

And now that the movie, From Fat to Finish Line is out, a whole new world of friends and opportunity to help OTHERS has opened up from OUR online community. Now it is my chance to pay it forward. 

I  want to share this blog post from my FFtFL cast mate, John: 

Friday, October 21, 2016

From Fat To Finish Line - The Facebook Group

If you know me at all, you know that I am very proud of my involvement with the documentary film, "From Fat To Finish Line." It's the story of a dozen people who each lost weight through running and then took on the challenge of the Ragnar Relay Race in the Florida Keys. We battled the heat, the humidity, and the miles, and *spoiler alert* we ultimately crossed the finish line as a team. It was one of proudest moments as a runner.

The film is available now for purchase on iTunes and Amazon or you can watch it on NetFlix.

Believe it or not, the documentary isn't what I'm most proud of, though. It's amazing to be part of it, absolutely. But even more important to me is the community that has sprung up as a result of the film. Let me introduce you to From Fat To Finish Line - The Facebook Group.

Our little group of twelve has become a tribe of more than 7,000 people.

Yes. I said 7,000.

And we're still growing every single day. Because people want to be part of a running community that celebrates who they are right now AND who they want to become. We are fat and thin, tall and short, male and female, young and old. We are every color and religion and nationality. We strive to be the very best at welcoming all walkers/runners/joggers.

We celebrate miles. We cheer finish lines. We applaud non-scale victories. And most importantly, we recognize and support each other when those miles and finish lines and victories feel unattainable and out of reach.

We ARE the reason that people are pushing themselves to try more, to do more, and to be more. We are running buddies and shoulders-to-lean-on and a global support network unlike any other I have ever known.

Thanks to all of you in the group for becoming my running family. And to the rest of you, what are you waiting for? Come join us!

WOW! An Unexpected Throwback Thursday

...so I was cleaning my house yesterday. Something I don't usually do (ha ha) and I came across some old photos of me. Photos that made me stop and think back...back to those days when I wasn't so happy. Or athletic. Or even the real ME. There are not a ton of "before" pics of me because I used to hide from the camera or be the one taking them. 

*Probably why NOW you cannot get me away from the camera AND I love my selfies* 

But, these photos were like a slap across the face *wake up* 
The universe has a funny way of making me wake up and pay attention most of the time.

 If you have been following along on my random postings, you know that this is the first year in many that I took as step back from training & racing long course to put family first. It has been hard for me mentally and I have struggled with not feeling "right". Long training days make me feel so ALIVE. Those "carrots" and goals keep me working. You can fake a half or a full!

I have allowed myself to get lazy with a few things - like nutrition - and I was playing the "woe is me" card the last couple of weeks. I am a personal trainer and weight loss coach. This is UNACCEPTABLE> walk the walk!! 
STOP THIS JEN!! so, I said ENOUGH. Stop it. Just do what you need to do. Make the time. Make the plan. Figure it out. You don't excuses from your clients so don't make any for yourself. *TRUTH*

and I did

Then these showed up. 

That is ME at about 260lbs. 
I think back to that very sad girl who hid it all with a smile. 
"Oh, you have such a pretty face" yeah, just what every heavy gal wants to hear *GROAN*

This is me NOW (for those who don't know)

 Not quite the same girl on the outside OR the inside...

I have spent the last 3 years of my life HELPING OTHERS reach their goals. Learning about training, weight loss, nutrition. Getting one certification after the next...devouring information so I can help others reach THEIR GOALS and change their lives.

Like these 2 clients who are now my very good friends. I am SO proud of them.
Total lifestyle change...and watching them BLOSSOM into happy people has been so amazing. 

JDP

Michelle

I have never been happier. 
I LOVE WHAT I DO. The people that this has brought into my life is such a blessing. Giving back to others makes me SO happy. Getting messages that an athlete got a PR or a client lost another 5lbs just is PRICELESS to me. 

SO, here's to those who are THINKING about change.

Here's to those in the MIDDLE of change. 

Cheers to those who have CONQUERED their goals and are creating new ones. 

We were put on this earth for a purpose. 

...and this is mine...

Happy Thursday. 

Fat A$$ Friday: Reload

Sometimes, I have to revisit old posts. Like this one from just a few years ago. Wow, how so much has been done since then! I cannot believe that this is my life and I get to do exactly what my heart desires daily. It's not always easy but it is always worth it. I started this blog in the hopes of inspiring just ONE person to find that they too were capable of change. Wow...I am blessed to have been able to help SO many people now. AMAZING....

• 140.6 is not longer just a dream on my "list", it has been accomplished and it was awesome. I love looking forward and finding new ways to challenge myself. 
• I can check off the box that states I want a career in FITNESS-I am now a dual certified PT, a Triathlon & Cycling Coach and Group Ex instructor. I get to spend my days getting others to their goals, one step at a time! 
• After I started following Sonja when I was "just a runner" and she was on Team Trakkers I dreamed of "someday" being on a team like that...and BOOM! I am heading into season 4 as a member of Team Rev3 Triathlon...Soon to be TEAM CHALLENGE!  
• I have been a part of an amazing project and film-From Fat to Finish Line-with 11 other inspiring individuals that will MOTIVATE you to chase your dreams and make it happen! The movie coming out SOON! 
• I have been able to help SO many shed weight and discover the person inside them that they always were meant to be. I am SO grateful that this path lead me to meet 2 special people: Michelle and JDP, I love you two so much and thank you for letting me be a part of YOUR journey. Your friendship means the world to me and you have changed ME as much as I have changed you. THANK YOU XO

This blog is still going-even if I don't blog daily like I used to-as I evolve as a person and athlete, this will too! I have stories of OTHERS I want to share and I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for me!

So, here is a visit back to Fat Ass Friday--one of my favorite, and most popular posts!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Several people who know me now but did not know me during my "fat years" have a hard time believing that I was really as fat as I say I was. To those of you (and you know who you are) here it is. Proof in pictures. Yes, I really was more than 100lbs heavier than I am today. Yes, sadly it is all too true. 


A big plate of chicken wings must be in my peripheral.

 So, when I was at my parents house a couple weeks ago and my Dad wanted to show me some pictures from not so long ago--pictures from my Fat Days-I could not wait to check them out.

I used to hide from the camera because when I would see the pictures, I would not recognize the woman I had become. I had never struggled with my weight and to be walking around at this size was foreign to me. 

What I saw in my head did not match the person I saw in the mirror or in pictures.

Now when I look back at those pictures it is a bit of mixed emotion for me. On one hand, I am proud of myself for finally saying "enough is enough" and making the decision to take control of my life. On the other hand, I am saddened to know that at one time, I was in a very different place.

I don't know what's worse: the double chin or the double belly roll



oh.my.  Back fat rolls!!



But I have to embrace FAT JEN because without going THERE...I would not be here. And you know what? HERE is a pretty great place to be! And now we are working on FrankenJen (but that is a different post all together)



Running-it does the body (and the mind) good! Sept 2010



My husband is an absolute rockstar for sticking with me thru thick and thin (pun totally intended!!). When we started dating I was in pretty good shape and then over the next several years I just blew up. 

Then one day something in me just snapped and that was it. I had a plan and nothing was going to stop me until I achieved my goals and lived my dreams. 



Much healthier and happier, Michelle and Me at the Mainiac Sprint Tri Sept 2010

Along the way those goals and dreams changed and grew. The goals got bigger-the dreams became a reality. I found a new self confidence in being able to achieve things I never thought possible. I discovered just how strong I can be and how far I can push myself.

I have met some amazing people along this journey. Quality people who don't care what label lines my clothing or what bag I am carrying around. People who inspire me and motivate me to achieve new goals and dream even bigger than before.

When I started on this path, the thought of running one mile without stopping seemed impossible.

I could not wait to run my first 5k race.

I cried the first time I ran 5 miles without stopping.

I celebrated my first real push up with a big ole "HELLLLLL YA!"

Today I dream of running 26.2 miles after biking 112 and swimming 2.4~and with absolute truth I tell you that I will accomplish this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will be done.

Today I dream of taking my passion for health and fitness and making it my career when I return to the working world.

Today I dream of inspiring others to reach for their goals-no matter how big or how small.

Reach deep down inside of yourself and find that fire that ignites your soul. Let that desire fuel your motivation to do the work necessary to be a success. Achieve the things you never thought possible. Do not let anyone or anything stand in your way or deter you from your goals.

It can be done.

What do YOU want to achieve? 

What goal do you have in your sights?

Project X: Update

Ok, so it's been a while since I posted anything about PROJECT X

I am a visual person so here are some visuals. 

This picture was taken on August 26th 2012.
This weekend would prove to be a big turning point in Casey's life...

Let me zoom that in for you so you can see a little better...

Casey made a decision to try and see the other side of life and try new things. He started working out and making healthier choices.

He even ran his first 5k on Thanksgiving Day!

getting a pre-race pep talk from Lola

closing in on the finish of his first 5k in 24:56

Here he is in January...skating with Lola and looking quite different than he did a few months earlier.








This picture is from February. Casey is getting ready to go workout and is doing a little impromptu ballet session with Lola. 



And this picture is from today. 



For many years I tried to get Casey involved in my life and get out running and biking with me but he had no interest.

I know first hand that you cannot make anyone change--they must do it themselves. 

Today Casey joined me and my training buddy Marc on our long run

So now down nearly 50lbs and shrinking his pants from a 40 waist down to his high school size of a 30 waist, he has made remarkable improvements in such a short time. 
Next weekend, Casey will do his second 5k race and he is making plans to try all sorts of new things this coming summer like swimming, biking and running. He has his eyes set on several different distance running races and who knows...maybe triathlon will be in his future as well.

All I know is that it is nice getting to know this new version of the man I have been with for almost 14 years.

Congrats Casey on all you have achieved so far! We are very proud of you! 

Cutting Off Limbs {reload}

...cuTTiNg oFF LiMbS...

Big or small, we all have had limbs that need to be cut--It doesn't matter if you needed pruning shears or a commercial chainsaw.

A few years after I moved into my house, I decided that I wanted to plant more trees. I only had 2, so I added 3 more. I chose specific trees for specific spots for specific reasons. At first, each of my new trees had stakes with wires that wrapped around the trunk. I didn't like the way it looked but I knew that it was important in order for them to grow straight and be protected when storms or high winds came. Soon, it was time to remove the support system. My trees were big enough to stand alone.

After a couple of years, I was excited to see that my trees began to grow...so much so that they needed trimming. My brother, that doubles as my handyman, explained how you know what branches to cut off. Any branches that were too low or growing down or even small branches growing inward, needed to be trimmed off because they were taking "energy" away from the healthy branches and doing nothing to help the tree become bigger and stronger. It's important to not wait too long because as long as there are branches that need trimming still there...they are taking energy and nutrients away from the branches that are good. And if you never trim the tree, it will never become as big or strong or beautiful as it COULD have been.

Back in February, I did something I thought I would never do...something I thought I would never need to do. I started seeing a therapist. My marriage was a mess and demons from the past were haunting me. I felt like I needed someone to talk to that didn't know me and wouldn't judge me. I still remember the first day sitting in a strange room...on an old ugly couch...looking at a stranger...as I wept uncontrollably and tried to tell her all the things that have hurt me or that are bothering me...in an hour. I am a control freak. I like to have control because there were times as a child when I had all my power taken from me...times when I should've been protected but I wasn't...feelings I felt that were not feelings I should have been feeling at that age. And so I try to have as much control now as I can, even though it doesn't change the past. I like to do things how I want to do them...when I want to do them. I like to always look just right and stay composed when I can. I felt so out of control...so ugly...so damaged. This was completely out of my comfort zone, but there was something strangely comforting at the same time about just getting it all out...telling all my secrets...admitting my shame...letting myself be vulnerable.


After I purged myself of all the things that were bothering me...I quickly began to try and regain control by telling the therapist what exactly I was doing to make changes and try to correct these problems. I told her how hard it was/is and how disappointed and upset some people were with me. I told her that I felt alone and scared. Finally, when I let her speak, she looked at me surprisingly unfazed and said,

"You have been hurt badly. You have held it in and made the choice to never use these things as an excuse to protect everyone else and keep a sense of pride. No one would ever believe the things that you have suffered because you have covered them up so well. Now, you have chosen to correct this by cutting off the things and people that cause you pain. The problem is that you are like a tree that hasn't ever been pruned. Instead of getting rid of these things as they came, you waited and let them continue to grow. You had so many limbs to cut off that you now feel very bare and very alone."

This made perfect sense. I had let things grow that should have been cut off sooner and made some huge changes in my life. It wasn't until the secret pain became unbearable that I finally did something about it...and I did it all at once. It has been scary to make these decisions and hard to deal with the consequences that have followed, but every day is a little better. New branches are growing where old, unhealthy ones were and the people that love me are learning to accept my changes and love me unconditionally.

So, you probably wonder what this has to do with anyone other than me. It's a warning if you will. Don't let unhealthy "branches" grow on your "tree" because it seems too hard to get rid of them. Take the things out of your life that weigh you down or keep you from reaching your true potential. Don't have friends that don't accept your commitment to eat and live healthy. Don't surround yourself with jealous people that want to drag you down. Avoid unhealthy relationships that cause you to doubt your worth and rob you of your goals. And when you do need to cut off branches, be brave. Value yourself enough to put in the work it takes to be your best. Don't be afraid of feeling alone at times or vulnerable, because in time you will be glad you made the changes. Finally, don't be too proud to ask for help. When trees have large branches that break or need to be removed, sometimes it takes a professional because the job is too big to do on your own. Rely on the people that care about you to help you make changes. 

I cannot take credit for this blog post--but it is one of those powerful messages that I think everyone should read and anyone could apply to their own life. 
I just had to share. From the blog STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY

Just as it takes pruning to help a tree grow tall and strong, it takes making uncomfortable changes in our own lives to become the person we are meant to be. After the struggle...because of the work it takes to get there...in the end...we will become stronger than we ever thought possible

~Jen

What a LOSER

I have a friend who I have been trying to motivate to get healthy for a while. I would mention things here and there but not get in her face about it. I believe that change must come from within--not someone telling you to do it. 

I try not to be one of those obnoxious people who quit "whatever" and now must convert everyone they know into their lifestyle--you know what I mean, the former smoker who goes on and on to everyone who smokes how they MUST quit!! Or the alcoholic who preaches to anyone who drinks, even responsibly, how they MUST quit!! Or the former fatty who goes on and on about the evils of a sedentary life filled with Twinkies and Chinese take-out?? Ok, so in reality I could get up on my soapbox about ALL of these things, but I don't. Personally, I find these people quite annoying. Back in the day if anyone got in MY face about my smoking, drinking, eating, whatever I would just tune them out and imagine blowing a big puff of cigarette smoke directly in their face. HA!

This fall though my friend came to me and said that she was ready to make some changes and wanted my help. She was giving me permission to "get into her business". Words cannot tell you how happy I was to hear those words--I love this person dearly and want nothing but the best for her!! She did let me that she was going to wait until AFTER the Holidays to get started on making healthy changes but she was COMMITTED and READY to make some changes.
That was all I needed to hear.

I started doing some research since as there are a couple medical issues we need to deal with and I wanted to be sure I set her up for success! We would need to ease into exercise and make some serious changes with nutrition. We had several conversations over the weeks leading up to the big change-what kind of changes we would make to her eating, HOW she was going to eat, WHAT she was going to be eating and how we could transition her into a more active life.

We talked about her goals and the importance of making goals. All kinds of goals. Big ones, small ones, short term and long term goals. One of her goals was to lose 30lbs.

Here we are three weeks into January 2011 and guess what??

She is almost 1/2 way to her first weight loss goal!! At our last "check in" she was down 12 lbs.

Know what else??
She is exercising
She is attending group exercise classes
She is eating clean foods
She is feeling stronger and stronger

I am so proud of her dedication over the last couple weeks and how well she is transitioning into making LIFELONG choices about living healthy. We still have a long way to go together to reach ALL of her goals and we will. I am just happy for and all she has accomplished thus far!! Her hard work is paying off.

So FRIEND--keep up the good work. I am so proud of you and I am here for you no matter what. I admire your bravery to face some fears and conquer them. I have no doubt you can be successful at anything you want to accomplish. I know first hand just how strong you are--remember that.

But here is a warning to you: Now that you have given me "permission" to get into your business, just know that if you start to get off this wagon, I will go BANANAS on you!! I will make Jillian Michaels look like Mother Theresa.

Don't you EVER say YOU CAN'T DO IT!!