Tuesday, May 3, 2011

sweat & tears

I did not proof read this post. I did not use proper punctuation or grammar. I just wrote what was in my heart-

this mornings trainer ride was an interesting one to say for sure...
you see, tonight i am going to be speaking to a group of individuals that are starting THEIR own weight loss journey--i will be telling them about my own. i feel quite honored that i was asked to speak to them actually and i have always said that if i can inspire JUST ONE PERSON to change for the better (whatever their version of better may be) than i did something good.
i am a very happy person now and 99.9% of the time there is this giant grin plastered across my face. i love my life. i love the person i have become. i love the people that i am surrounded by. i feel very blessed.
and i worked damn hard to get here.
just a couple years ago i was in a much darker place. i was not the happy person i am today. i was actually very, very miserable and sad. empty. joyless. beaten. destroyed.
but i picked up the pieces one by one. and i rebuilt my life. myself. i healed old hurt. i found new ways to love me. i found bits of joy and shreds of sunshine coming into my life. things started to change. i was growing as a person on the inside while the outside was shrinking.
it was not an easy battle--and trust me, some days it was a battle. it was hard. and it was worth it.
but the joy did not just come from a smaller body. or a lower number on the scale.
the joy i found was in the small triumphs i had along the way.
running a single mile without stopping
running a 5k
being able to do real push ups
placing at my first race
running distances i could only dream about
completing my first triathlon

it was these moments that started to shape me in ways i never expected. i found joy in the hours on the roads. i found freedom swimming in the ocean. i found a new confidence in myself by doing these things that i never thought possible. i found out that i am a hell of a lot stronger than i ever gave myself credit for. i am a worthy individual that deserves joy, love, laughter and good things.
why had i allowed myself to be void of all these small pleasures before? why did i think i was not worth it??
well, there are so many reasons i felt that way-not loving myself enough was one of them. getting fat was just symptom of my inner disease. that disease was never thinking i was good enough.

so on the trainer this morning, i was thinking about some of the things i would say to this group and my mind just started to wander. then i thought about a post that Mary Iron Matron wrote the other day. then THAT song came up on my playlist. kinda dorky being miley cyrus and all but i remember listening to this* song over and over when i was 250+ pounds dreaming of the day i would run. running meant freedom to me. if i could run, i would have conquered the fat body that was trapping me. it was so.freaking.hard for me to run that fat. i could only go 15-20 seconds at a time, my heart rate would soar. but i kept running. and i'd run a little bit longer each time. reliving those memories this morning just brought me to tears. it broke me down. part happy and part sad. it's hard to explain...but while i was crying, i was celebrating. and cranking---hard. those intervals stood no chance today. i kicked the shit out 'em. and i dreamed of my first 70.3. and I could not get off the trainer. the puddle of sweat and tears just got bigger and bigger. i just wanted to go. and go. and go.
and i thanked GOD for the place i am now. and the places i have been.
because without those lows...you don't appreciate the high.

Here's THAT* song

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb




27 comments:

CautiouslyAudacious said...

Congrats on all your great accomplishments!

Anonymous said...

YOUR AMAZING :D THANK YOU FOR SHARING AND THE BEST OF LUCK TONIGHT AT YOUR SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT :D GO INSPIRE GIRLFRIEND :D!!!!

SINCERELY,
YOUR DM FRIEND C.T. ;D~~

Kabekona Tri Girl said...

good read, thanks for sharing Jen!

Julie said...

I totally think of that song ALL. THE. TIME! Especially when I'm biking up a really hard hill :-)

You will do great tonight and inspire significant thoughts in many who hear you!!

Kovas said...

Nicely said.

Kat said...

LOVE this post. You'll inspire more than one, I'm sure!!

Penny said...

Oh My goodness Jenn, I felt like you were telling my story. I had alot of the same issues with weight,self esteem, never being good.

The song took me over the edge as the tears filled my eyes. It's funny how it has been a while since I have been 250 lbs, but I remember and feel that pain as tho it was yesterday.

You are going to do amazing tonight tell them your story. I wish I could be there to hear you give it.

ltlindian said...

you rock. that's all there is to it. everyone has it in them, they just need to find it. good luck tonight! :)

Aimee said...

This was an awesome post! You are amazing and inspiring and I think it's awesome that you get to speak to other people just starting out their journey!! Good luck tonight...you are going to do great!

Rene' said...

great post. i have that song on my playlist too. how inspiring that you get to speak to a group about your journey and a journey that they are about to go on. Good luck!

Erika said...

So inspiring. Thanks for sharing!

Tricia said...

love this

Big Daddy Diesel said...

Just sitting here, smile from ear to ear!!

Finallyfit2011 said...

Jennifer this post brought me to tears! I am so excited for you that you get to speak about your journey! You speak to MANY on here & now you get yet another chance to inspire! SWEET!

Christy said...

Thanks for sharing! What a true inspiration you are to many!

MomRunningFromCancer said...

Great post - enjoy your opportunity to talk to people about your journey - I am very motivated by your openness.

Stephanie Anne said...

great post! Youve come along way and are a great inspiration!

SparkyFox said...

You have come so far and I want you to know what a huge inspiration you are to me.

Laima said...

Truly inspiring!

Melissa Cunningham said...

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!!
shout your story from the roof tops sister!
so proud of you and amazed that you have made the journey to where you are now.....
that miley cirus song is very fitting for this post!
AWESOME that you used sweat and tears to crush those intervals!
YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!

chris mcpeake said...

great post. Very inspiring

Amanda - RunToTheFinish said...

great great song and it is about celebrating those little moments along the way that keep us all moving!!

Miruna said...

You are an inspiration!!!

Jason said...

I have had this starred in my reader for days now and have read it three times and each time I go to comment I can't.

I can't comment because I am welled up with pride over your accomplishment and knowing that you are my friend.

You have done great things but there are greater things on the horizon for you.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life because it is an honor. I thank the world for allowing us to meet and for having so many things in common that a friendship was going to happen without a doubt.

Thank You.

Julie said...

Loved this! Loved this!! I totally understand and I was nodding my head the entire post! I get it and feel the same way:)

KC (my 140 point 6 mile journey) said...

What a story and inspiration! The day I crossed the finishline of my first marathon in 1998, was the defining moment for me. That was the day i knew there was nothing that could stop me or get in my way. Kudos to you for dreaming big and making it happen. Glad you found me on DM b/c I don't think I would have recognized it was you.

Teamarcia said...

You've got so much to celebrate and be proud of and crank hard about sister! WTG!