Thursday, November 5, 2015

Choosing Joy

 I started this blog as a way to share my personal story of weight loss, being a new mother, balancing family and training, and finding myself. My true self

On that journey, I have been open, honest and tried to share my authentic self in the hopes that someone out there could relate to what I was living and know that they were not alone...and that you too, CAN achieve your goals and dreams and be HAPPY. 

I have shared my successes, challenges, triumphs and failures...and as I continue to grow as a person and embrace a ME that is WHOLE, I discover new things every day. 

This past year has been particularly challenging and without getting into detail, I will simply say that as I changed & healed, my marriage fell apart. I believe we both tried to make it work but in the end, the damage had become too great to repair. And as I embrace yet another new chapter of my life, I do so with enthusiasm and a new-found energy  to forge forward with a positive mind & a happy heart...and build a life where I am truly at peace & have wholehearted happiness. 



I will continue to share my life story. My training goals. My advice. My struggles. But you will start to see a bit more of the personal side, the mental game and how our thoughts truly rule our bodies. In racing...In life. 

I've learned it's ok to stand up for yourself and walk away from things that are hurtful. Fear is paralyzing and being able to confront those fears is liberating. The unknown can be scary as hell...



It is important to take care of yourself-physically and mentally. Don't jump on that train to your next guilt-trip by taking time to be healthy. That hour workout is good for you. That 15 minute mental break is imperative. In doing so you are a better mother or father, a better partner, a happy human being. 

And I've come to realize what I want and what I don't want in life, and relationships. I also know I will never cling to something that does not bring me joy.

Today, and everyday I WILL CHOSE JOY

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Relationships are so important. Family. Friendships. Romantic entanglements. One thing that I have learned is that a relationship should bring out the best in you. Bringing positivity to the table. Not stress. Not drama. If there is more fighting than loving happening, perhaps it is time to evaluate your position.

It takes 2 to create a successful pairing; yet it is NOT 50/50 as some would believe. There are days when your partner will be only giving 20%...so are you going to stop at 50%? or are you going to step up and give 80% on that day. And vice versa...

I stumbled across Choose Her Every Day (or HIM) today and it really hit home for me on so many levels. Take the time to read this...and devour each word.

And to quote the amazing Nate Bagley (please, watch this TedTalk which is amazing...)  
don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most. 





 Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her)

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.
Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.

Choose wisely.

2 comments:

jdbadger said...

Good post. I'm glad you're happy.

Riley Smith said...

Keep up all the good work. I love the post about relationships.... Sometimes endurance sports can put a strain on them... Sorry things did not turn out the way you had envisioned. I have been going through the same types of issues with relationship turning into stress and arguing... Things need to work together and in harmony for each to truly be happy... Hope you are able to find some peace in training. Keep up the great work. Amazing Transformation!!