sweat & tears

I did not proof read this post. I did not use proper punctuation or grammar. I just wrote what was in my heart-

this mornings trainer ride was an interesting one to say for sure...
you see, tonight i am going to be speaking to a group of individuals that are starting THEIR own weight loss journey--i will be telling them about my own. i feel quite honored that i was asked to speak to them actually and i have always said that if i can inspire JUST ONE PERSON to change for the better (whatever their version of better may be) than i did something good.
i am a very happy person now and 99.9% of the time there is this giant grin plastered across my face. i love my life. i love the person i have become. i love the people that i am surrounded by. i feel very blessed.
and i worked damn hard to get here.
just a couple years ago i was in a much darker place. i was not the happy person i am today. i was actually very, very miserable and sad. empty. joyless. beaten. destroyed.
but i picked up the pieces one by one. and i rebuilt my life. myself. i healed old hurt. i found new ways to love me. i found bits of joy and shreds of sunshine coming into my life. things started to change. i was growing as a person on the inside while the outside was shrinking.
it was not an easy battle--and trust me, some days it was a battle. it was hard. and it was worth it.
but the joy did not just come from a smaller body. or a lower number on the scale.
the joy i found was in the small triumphs i had along the way.
running a single mile without stopping
running a 5k
being able to do real push ups
placing at my first race
running distances i could only dream about
completing my first triathlon

it was these moments that started to shape me in ways i never expected. i found joy in the hours on the roads. i found freedom swimming in the ocean. i found a new confidence in myself by doing these things that i never thought possible. i found out that i am a hell of a lot stronger than i ever gave myself credit for. i am a worthy individual that deserves joy, love, laughter and good things.
why had i allowed myself to be void of all these small pleasures before? why did i think i was not worth it??
well, there are so many reasons i felt that way-not loving myself enough was one of them. getting fat was just symptom of my inner disease. that disease was never thinking i was good enough.

so on the trainer this morning, i was thinking about some of the things i would say to this group and my mind just started to wander. then i thought about a post that Mary Iron Matron wrote the other day. then THAT song came up on my playlist. kinda dorky being miley cyrus and all but i remember listening to this* song over and over when i was 250+ pounds dreaming of the day i would run. running meant freedom to me. if i could run, i would have conquered the fat body that was trapping me. it was so.freaking.hard for me to run that fat. i could only go 15-20 seconds at a time, my heart rate would soar. but i kept running. and i'd run a little bit longer each time. reliving those memories this morning just brought me to tears. it broke me down. part happy and part sad. it's hard to explain...but while i was crying, i was celebrating. and cranking---hard. those intervals stood no chance today. i kicked the shit out 'em. and i dreamed of my first 70.3. and I could not get off the trainer. the puddle of sweat and tears just got bigger and bigger. i just wanted to go. and go. and go.
and i thanked GOD for the place i am now. and the places i have been.
because without those lows...you don't appreciate the high.

Here's THAT* song

I can almost see it.

That dream I'm dreaming, but

There's a voice inside my head saying

You'll never reach it

Every step I'm takin'

Every move I make

Feels lost with no direction,

My faith is shakin'

But I gotta keep tryin'

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side

It's the climb